November wanderings and personal progress

Life with a 3 and a 4 year old is MUCH different than a 2 and 3 year old.  For some reason 3 years and 3 months is a magical number.  It suddenly gets easy!
Brayson's 3rd birthday was fun! The birthday decorating fairy came, I made cinnamon rolls for the first time and stuck a candle in that for lunch... that was his birthday cake that day (we had a family birthday cake and ice cream party the Sunday before).  We played lots with his new trains and took a bubble bath.  He is getting so big!  He is taller than Beckham now by a good inch.  He is hilarious and loves making everyone laugh still.  If you play with him, he is the happiest camper on earth.
Beckham's 4th birthday was magical too! The birthday fairy made a visit for him too.  I was sick but we all had fun playing with robots, watching movies and taking a color bath (he got bath tablets that change the water color for his birthday).  We also went to visit Santa because it was his first day at the mall and went to Chick-fil-a, a classic for the boys!  He is a little couch potato lately, loves his movies!  He still loves playing chase and batman :)  He actually just went to bed in his Thor costume so we will see if that is a new impression lol!
 The boys and I fill our days with Christmas movies (maybe too much?  It just puts the holiday spirit in our home!), ninja turtles, batman and bath time!  We have had so much fun with Halloween costumes, cookie making (and eating, hehe!), playing in the snow and so much more!
For personal progress I have been working on reading the Book of Mormon (I am in Alma 5 at the moment), saying personal prayers morning and night and being better at pondering during the sacrament. Also, I will write about titing to fulfill my Faith value experience 7.
Wow, the Book of Mormon.  I'm going to be honest right now.  I have never read it cover to cover.  Do I know the stories?  Yes.  Have I read them?  Probably most of them.  Did I love the scriptures up until a few months ago?  I knew they were true from the stories I had read and through my personal experiences BUT I didn't have a passion for them like I do now.  I am a huge reader so I knew I could do this if I put my mind to it but I was surprised to find how hard it was for me!  It was almost as if an awful power would take over me and make it so hard to read... it sounds a little cheesy, but literally, that is how I felt.  I could only think of how much I had to read until the next book and how Nephi was so long and I had never passed Nephi so why could I do it now?  After 2nd Nephi it just started clicking.  I wasn't so weighed down by reading, I was excited to at the end of the day.  Before, I always thought of the scriptures as that: scripture... a bunch of wise words from prophets way before my time.  It has been so incredible to find it is so much more than "just" that.  Not only is it wise words, but it is truly stories of these amazing men in incredible situations and how they overcame temptations, wars, and people trying to kill them.  It is their stories that flow throught generations.  Fathers and sons and cousins, passing down this incredible scripture that they only write the most precious of words.  I love how careful they are to include only the most important information.  You know that when you read even the most plain of scriptures it has truly been inspired to be written.  They knew the responsibility they had in writing in this beautiful journal-like scripture.  Who knows how many times they prayed over a scripture before they wrote it?  Anyways... I love that.
Personal prayers has been a difficult one for me.  In the morning I have to run upstairs to grab whoever is up before the wake up the other little boy!  After that it feels like a whirlwind of things and the day is half gone before I realize I didn't say prayers.  I have missed two times and it seems like my whole day feels a little worse off without my prayers.  Today I prayed for patience with the boys and I could honestly feel a little tug in my head to pull on the reins and chill out a little bit.  I am am so grateful for prayers to thank my Heavenly Father for all of the blessings He has bestowed on my little family.  I am so grateful to Him for providing my family with the means to never be hungry.  We always have a roof over our heads, and not only a roof but we are surrounded by beautiful things we have always dreamed of in the location we have always wanted to be in... Utah.  We have the gospel in our lives, and I am so, so thankful for the opportunity I have had to be Jared's wife and Beckham and Brayson's mother.  Wow.  I don't even know how to explain it.  Mom's out there, you know what I mean.  It is also a time to ask for help and to know that I am never alone.  I can ask for help with something I am struggling with, I can ask Heavenly Father to help one of my loved ones, pray for my family and their health, and I can pray for my young women.
Pondering during sacrament is difficult with two little boys (hehe) but I am doing it by talking to the boys about how Jesus loves us.  I pull whoever is closest to me on my lap and whisper to him that sacrament reminds us that Jesus loves us and is our big brother and takes care of us.   I hope they remember those little tidbit moments we have.  I am grateful for the calling we have had to teach our 12 and 13 year olds in sunday school because my first lesson was on the sacrament.  When we take it we promise to always... not sometimes... remember Christ and take his name upon us.  I have been thinking about that a lot, How we need to always remember Him and His sacrafice for us and how it gives us the ability to repent.  I myself feel like in my life I have caused a lot of his burden and I hate that.  I am grateful that I had the opportunity to repent and come back to Christ, be married in the temple and have a forever family.  Gosh I love that!  I keep saying that, I know, just make fun of me if you want ;)
Tithing is the last thing I want to write about today.  I have such a testimony of it.  In our marriage we have always been full tithe payers and we see blessings from it.  We have been blessed enough not to have to choose between bills and tithing, but I know if it came to those two choices we would absolutely pay tithing first.  We have never struggled with money and that is one hundred percent because we have paid tithing.  I don't mean that everyone who pays tithing will never struggle, but I know if you are struggling and you wonder if you should pay tithing, you pay that tithing first and I promise you will find that things come together, even if a miracle has to happen.  Everything we have, literally everything, has been given to us from the Lord.  Ten percent is the least we can do to pay him back.  I am grateful for tithing.
I hope someday my boys find this entry and realize that my faith has been strengthened through reading my scriptures and praying.  I am grateful for those two gifts from my Heavenly Father.

2 Nephi 10

I am so thankful for my calling in Young Women's for many reasons.  First off I love the girls.  They are so wonderful and they truly are inspiring me to be better in all aspects of my life.  I want to be the best mom possible and make our home a "heaven on earth".  I want to be a better daughter to our Heavenly Father.  Sometimes we just think of him as being powerful and all-knowing (which he is), but not only that, he is our Father!  We are literally His daughters!  We have a duty and responsibility to him just like we do to our fathers here on Earth.  I've definitely been motivated to read the Book of Mormon to strengthen my testimony in the gosple.  I would say "read it again" but I have never read it cover to cover.  How sad is that?  I have read and heard all of the stories but I have never started and finished.  

ANYWAYS!  I am in 2 Nephi 10 and I have fallen in love with the scriptures.  I'm and avid reader and I completely delve into my books and this one is no different in that way.  I feel invested in these prophets like I never have before and it is such a blessing to me.  I have been writing down thoughts throughout my reading and I might blog those so that the boys can read "along with me" even when I am gone someday.  2 Nephi 10:3-4 hit me like a semi-truck.  I never realized that if Christ had gone anywhere other than to the Jews, the People of Israel he wouldn't have been crucified.  Any other people on Earth would have known that this was their Savior by all of the mighty miracles He performed.  

This brought up a ton of questions for me.  If Christ came to America today would he be welcomed?  Would the majority of people believe in Him or would they be like those who crucified Him?  It makes me sad to realize that I truly don't know.  I know for a fact that I would know Him.  I feel in my heart that I would recognize his face and I know that the Spirit would help me know the truth.  I would challenge anyone who reads it to think about it.  Would you recognize him?

Mind Wanderings

I got called to Young Womens... 

I KNOW!  ME!  

I'm so excited but I don't feel worthy.  I feel like they're all family already to me.  Almost like another Trinity around.  I think about them pretty much all day long and worry about them.  What?!  Who knew all those leaders loved me as much as I love these girls.  I'm so excited I'm on this journey.

The boys are so crazy big.  It seems like every time I turn around they learn something new or get bigger.  The other day Jared and I were in the kitchen and Brayson walked in and was at HIP LEVEL!  What?  Where did my little baby go?  Although I am sad how fast it goes, I really do find joy in every stage.  He is so sassy and he loves his tractors.  He runs to anyone in the family and gives them a huge hug.  I don't know about anyone else, but that alone makes me feel like a superhero when he does that to me.  

He and Beckham follow eachother around like shadows.  I love hearing their giggles.  When i know they are doing something bad but they are both giggling like crazy over it I just stand outside the door and listen and try to capture the moment. Jared reads them 2 books at night and I sing them both a song.  Song time is so special.  Sometimes Brayson wants me to lay in bed with him and he puts his chubby little arms around my neck and says "I love you mommy".  

Beckham is a hoot too. This kid talks about his primary teachers all week long but right when we get there he screams his little head off.  He runs around outside naked and pees everywhere, no matter who is there.  The other day he went to the front yard, pulled off his pants and peed in front of the neighbors.  I just shrug about it and hope that everyone else shrugs right back at me and says "I remember".  He says "yeah baby!" just like the best of them.  He is very sensitive towards other kids feelings and never wants them to feel left out.  Just the other day at chick-fil-a there was a little boy who was afraid to go up the play place without his mom, but she had a new baby and she couldnt go up.  Beckham was that boy's special friend and took his hand and tried to get him up the play place.  He followed him to the little kid area even though it was boring and made sure the boy wasn't alone.  I was proud of him

I hate getting them in trouble about things.  Time out is the worst.  I know they think I'm being mean but sometimes I sit outside the door and cry when they are especially mad at me.  Most of the time I think I don't deserve them, but I know that we were totally and completely meant for eachother.  Every so often we have a "perfect" day where there are no breakdowns or fights and we go to the park or play outside or even stay inside and have a movie day.  We are such a great team!  

My Change of Heart

I hear the quote all of the time that "we are all converts to the church"... and how true is that?  If that conversion happens at 14, 18, 28 or 84 it is a true, and beautiful conversion story to tell. Mine starts in January 2010.  I decided I had to change on New Years.  I wasn't happy living the life I threw together for myself.  I was living a life that didn't match my beliefs, that although no one knew they were there, I did.  I had so many people that loved me as a friend, a daughter, and a person but because I wasn't being true to myself I couldn't truly be happy with myself and my life. I know I made a lot of people miserable... misery loves company and miserable people just don't want to be happy.  I am sorry for that.  I wanted to start going back to church.  I wanted to get my life together and be happy about where I was, and progress and live a crazy awesome life that my kids someday would be proud of.  One of my best friends who was always there for me no matter what.  My middle/high school "heart throb" turned out to be the best friend I had.  It was the end of March when he and I made a pact to go to church more.  At 20 years old it took a bet with a friend to finally get me back on track.  I went almost every Sunday after that.
The next step in my conversion were dreams.  I kept a dream journal because of a college class I was in and I wrote down everything.  I started having dreams of children.  I had dreams of awful things happening to me when I had babies in my arms.  One dream I remember clearly is this: I was holding my newborn baby and walking on the beach.  For some reason the water kept raising and I didn't realize it.  Finally I was at a point where I panicked because I was almost completely underwater and had to hold my little boy over my head so he could breathe.  Thankfully I woke up at the moment waves started hitting his little face.  Just now as I am writing this I can see the symbolism of it all.  I never understood it then, I just knew I had to get myself back on the path I knew I should be on, if not for me, then for my children.  I wanted my babies to have the priesthood in their house so that they could have a blessing whenever they were troubled or sick.  I wanted them to know our Heavenly Father and that they truly are his children and have a purpose in this life,
Conference April 2010 was when I decided I had to take a leap of faith.  Henry B. Eyring stood up to give a talk and I was mesmerized from the first word.  To this day I think he was truly Heavenly Father's mouthpiece, and he was speaking directly to me.  As everyone listened to it and gained something from it I know it was given just for me to inspire a great leap of faith and courage.  If you ever read this Brother Eyring, you are a true hero in my story. Thank you for your inspired talk.  Please, please read it here.  He ended his talk with this:"I promise each of you, as you follow inspired direction in this, the true Church of Jesus Christ, that our youth and we who help and love them can be delivered safely to our home with Heavenly Father and the Savior to live in families and in joy forever."  Talk about inspiring.  I packed everything up in my little Mustang and moved to Utah in July, 2010.  I left dear friends and people I considered family to find my happiness and work on myself and my faith.  Although I was very alone sometimes, I wasn't ever truly lonely.  I delved in the scriptures and found comfort in them.  I became closer to the Lord and finally felt the Holy Ghost again.  The Lord has truly blessed me ever since and I finally found my true and everlasting happiness.  Isn't it amazing what a blind leap of faith can bring you to your life as long as you trust that Heavenly Father won't let you fall?  

A Lesson to be Learned

Journaling, blogging and picture taking have not been my forte lately.  Actually ever.  I always wish I could go back and read about daily happenings.  When I moved to Utah I made sure to journal every day so I wouldn't forget anything and I could always remember my adventure.  Unfortunately I lost those journal entries (dang it, computers) but I remember lots of things pretty clearly.  

Jared and I were recently called to be Sunday School teachers for the 12-13 year olds.  First of all, can we talk about how crazy it is to be in charge of teaching these awesome teenagers about gospel principles?  Scary!  The first couple of weeks were a disaster and ended in at least 20 minutes of church hangman but this past week was a little easier and I think this week I will have a better lesson.  I think the Lord makes up for all of the things I lack in when it comes to teaching.  I am actually really enjoying it and, as cliche as it is, I learn a whole lot more than they do while I prepare for the lesson.  Anyways... yesterday as I was reading over the lesson about Journal Keeping I realized I have a lot to catch up on, and a lot of things that need to be remembered for not only me, but my boys and maybe future generations.  After all as Spencer W. Kimball put it in the February 2003 New Era, "The Angels my quote from it". Here is my inspiration and reminder that the Lord has his hand in my life every day, and it is up to me to recognize it.  

4 years and 2 boys later...

I've been meaning to post for a while.  Time flies when you are having fun, they say... right?  I'm trying to find words to describe life right now.  Wonderful.  Messy.  Crazy.  Fun.  Exciting.  Surprising.  Seriously those all describe us right now!  Wonderful because we are so insanely happy with our family of 4.  Every day it feels like there is an adventures to be discovered if only we make it out of the house with clothes on (which is an accomplishment believe it or not).  Life is definitely messy.  Come on over to our house and surprise us and you will see how it really is.  Currently there are crumbs on the table, plants that need to be planted on the counter and toys in the living room that need to be cleaned up.  Is it crazy that I love it?  At the end of the day I pick up after our crazy day and remember all of the fun things we did.  The boys are so precious and surprise me with their love.  How is it that I am so imperfect and these little perfect human beings still love me.  Even after I yell (which I am definitely working on because I hate yelling) they are quick to hug me and say "I love you".  I love being called mommy.  I hate that someday they will probably not want to call me Mommy anymore and I will resort to the "old lady" version... Mom.  Mommy just sounds so precious!  Crazy, fun, exciting and surprising all come from the past few months.  I will go back and write about it, but just after my last post (from when Beckham broke his leg) we moved to Wyoming for a job.  Without going into too many details, we hated it.  It was cold, windy and very, very lonely because of all of the travelling Jared had to do.  Finally a year and a half later we packed up our things, took a leap of faith and came home to Utah so that we could be together more.  Not 3 months later, we are in the house of our dreams, in the location of our dreams, Jared has a great job as a pharmaceutical rep again and I am with my forever family (that surpassed the best of dreams).  Today is rainy and wet so we naturally had to get doughnuts and watch Harry Potter.  It's lazy, normal days like today that I will cherish forever.  So here are some completely normal, crazy pictures that aren't anything special, but I will always hold to be some of my favorite memories.

Why I didn't wait until I was 30 to get married

After doing my nightly round of visiting my good friend, Facebook, I found myself reading a post entitled "5 Good Reasons Why You Should Wait Until You're 30 To Get Married" by Paul Hudson.
I am 25.
I am married.  Happily, I might add.
I have 2 kids.
The world says I am not ready for any of this.
WHY THE HECK NOT?!
Well Paul Hudson, DJ from Manhattan (and whoever agrees with him), I disagree with your philosophical views.  And although I could give you a million reasons why, here are 3.
1. I know who I am.
Why do you have to be at least 30 to know who you are and what you like in life? 
2. Financially unstable is tough, but amazing in that you grow to lean on each other and talk about hard things.
2.I may not have experienced enough.  Yet.
Why not do it with my best friend?  My husband is a companion, a partner in crime, an amigo who goes with me to do exciting and fun things. 
3. If I find "The One", then why would I wait?
I hate how he said in the article that "Marriage is forever; what's the rush?"  Marriage is forever.  And I'm having so much fun experiencing the first part of forever with him.  Why wait for the magical age of 30 to marry him.  "Hey, I love you and want to marry you... but I have to wait until I'm 30 or no dice.  Paul and a few of his friends said so."  No!  I'm not going to postpone when I get married because the number isn't right.
20 years old was pretty young to get married, but for me it was right.  I have grown a lot, but so has my husband... and our marriage.  So there are my 3, Paul... and don't get onto me because I didn't do 5.  The numbers aren't what count.  Just like age (within reason and legal parameters) doesn't count ;)

Dear Brayson

Happy birthday, my love!  I sure love you.  I keep thinking about a year ago today.  From about right now actually.  I was so excited to meet you, I couldn't sleep.  When I was on the operating table, your daddy sat right by my head and we talked about what you would look like, how you and Beckham would be best friends and how much we loved you already.  When you came out of my tummy all I could look at were those LIPS!  How perfectly plump they were.  When they placed you in my arms you stopped crying and just looked at me.  I'm so lucky you are my son.  You are growing up (I know, you're only one... but it goes fast) but you are always my baby who I could sing to and make happy.  I wanted your birthday to be special so daddy and I blew up 50 balloons, hung up streamers and decorated your high chair.  You are so special and I love you so much.  Happy birthday baby boy.

3 Legitimate Fears I have... and Why.

So I was looking over a list of 30 things you should tell your kids about yourself and on there was list 3 legitimate fears you have and why.  I don't think this is really that crucial for them to know, but I'll bite. 
Fear 1: The end of the world.  YES I have huge fears when it comes to this.  If you read in the Bible (or look around and smell the roses) you will see that the world is going to get pretty bad and crazy.  I didn't really fear this until I had kids.  After that, Jared and I had "the talk".  The one where you talk about what you would do if something bad were to happen.  I am terrified!  Regardless, I'd do whatever I had to in order to protect my family.
Fear 2: Gaining weight.  SO silly and vain, but it's a fear.  How many old people do you see that are "fit and fab"?  I want to be able to be active and healthy.  You better bet I'm going to be a sassy old gal :)
Fear 3: One of my family members (extended included) needing me and I'm too far away and can't get there.  I've always had this fear.  Since I was 18 I've lived pretty far away from family, and I always worry.  I decided Beckham and Brayson will not be able to be more than 6 hours away from me when they are in college or married.  6 hours is driving distance, and I can floor it and get there in 4!
Love my boys :) 

Crazy Days, Peaceful Nights

As guilty as I feel for saying it, I feel like the title of this post definitely describes our lives right now.  Although I feel guilty, it needs to be put out there.  LIFE is CRAZY.  Screaming, squealing, laughing or crying babies equals a hectic life.  But hey... it's a heck of a lot more fun than it being a family with no kids. 
I am so grateful for my babies.  Honestly, Heavenly Father really loves me for sending me Beckham and Brayson.  They are the sweetest, craziest, funnest (yes, funnest) kids in this world. 

Five things I love about Beckham right now:
1.  He runs down the hall saying, "ma, mom, mom" looking for me
2. He has the cutest smile, and if you don't smile back at him you have no heart.
3. He waves at EVERYONE!  Today we went to Golden Corral with his GGparents and waved at every single person leaving the restaurant.  Wave back, people!
4. He gets a look when he wants you to chase him.  He stares at you, smirks and then scuttles off as fast as his little legs will take him.  And he's dang fast. 
5. He gives kisses!  It melts my heart when he comes up to me and smacks his lips for a kiss.  Hilarious, cute, and he loves me.  :)

Five things I love about Brayson right now:
1. Everyone who meets him calls him the most "smiley baby".  Little do they know, he has some pipes when he doesn't get his way.
2. When we are in the car, he laughs at Beckham and they either do this back and forth the whole time, or squeal the whole time.  Squealing, not so fun when you're in the car for 45 minutes going to visit family.
3. He still lays his head on my chest.  Beckham didn't do that after he was strong enough to lift his head.  I love snuggling my Brayson.
4. When he sees me in the morning, he gets this smile.  I can only explain it by comparing it to those videos you see of parents telling their kids they are going to Disneyland for the first time.  Mouth open, whole face smile, followed by a squeal.
5. He can army crawl now, and it's the cutest thing ever.  When he sees something he wants, he WILL get it no matter how long it takes, or how far he has to go. 

Jared is seriously the best dad ever, too.  He will always take the time to make sure Beckham knows he loves him.  When Beckham wants to be chased, Jared will drop everything and chase him.  The sweetest sound in the world is that, and then later hearing him hum our babies to sleep when they have a bad dream. 
Life is good :)

For my boys: 20 random facts about me

1. I love running... even though I stink at it.
2. I change my socks at least twice a day. Clean socks are the best feeling.
3. I'm in love with Diet Coke.
4. When my boys go to bed, Jared and I usually go peek in on them before we go to bed. 
5. I crave walnuts.
6. Watching Pride and Prejudice while crocheting fixes EVERYTHING.
7. If I mess up a word when I'm writing in pen, I have to start over if it's only a paragraph or two.
8. I love doing Math.  As frustrating as it is, there is something about solving a math problem that I really like.
9. Cooking relaxes me. 
10. I really did like being the "new girl" in school everytime we moved.
11. I secretely always wanted to break my arm so I could have a cast.
12. I always wanted to have braces... until I got them.
13. When I'm nervous, I bounce.  Even when I am having a conversation.
14. I really want to get my Masters Degree.  I don't know what in, but someday I want one!
15. Skydiving is on my bucket list.  Along with visit England, eat caviar and running  a marathon.
16. I think when my boys get married, I might obsess over their wedding.  I already think about it sometimes.  I'll be THAT Mother-In-Law.
17. I could eat sushi for every meal.
18. I think my parents really were right when I was a teenager.  Even though I said that I would never say that.
19. When I was 7 my mom told me I couldn't ride my bike in the road.  I vowed at that moment that when I had kids, they could ride their bike in the road.  I take it back. 
20. I think wishing on shooting stars really does work.

Pictures

Daddy loving on his little boy right after they brought him to us.

Missing Beckham but so happy for some quiet time

Mommy and Daddy's anniversary= Cheesecake Factory!

Happy birthday!

My poor, sweet little boy!

Beckham fractured his tibia! 
There... I said it.  I feel like the worst mom ever.  On the 13th, he tripped over my foot and fell on the floor and we heard a pop.  Fractured tibia.  It stinks!  Beckham was such a trooper at the hospital.  He was the cutest one there (obviously) and everyone was drawn to him and loved him.  He got a horseshoe splint (which he hated... it prevented him from crawling) and then we went in on the17th and got a bright green cast, which is MUCH better for crawling. 
He's had such an amazing attitude about this and really doesn't show many signs of pain.  He is such a trooper.  Love you baby!

Life Is...

Can I just take a second and tell the world how much I love my life?  I LOVE my husband, I LOVE my babies, I LOVE where we live, and I LOVE our life we all make together. 
I haven't blogged since I've had my little Brayson (yes, he goes by Brayson) and I wanted to write a little bit about him.  His birth was such an incredible and relaxing experience.  Yes... childbirth was relaxing :)  I had a scheduled C-Section so that meant I was in no labor (pain free?  YAY!) and I got to know exactly when my little boy would be in my arms. 
In the operating room with Beckham, it was stressful and scary because when he came out he wasn't breathing.  I had a lot of anxiety about Brayson not crying when he came out.  Jared was sitting right by my head and we just whispered what we thought he would look like, how much we loved him and how excited we were to have two little boys so close.  I was so scared and Jared didn't leave my side once.  Finally I heard the most amazing sound in the world... he was crying.  Jared and I were both overwhelmed with love for him and all I could say between sobs was "He's crying!"  Doctor Lash and the nurses were probably thinking I was losing it... but they will never know how much relief that brought me.  The first thing about Brayson that I noticed were his lips... OH my heavens his lips were huge!  That is the first thing I did... I kissed him right on the lips and told him how much I love him.  I'm so thankful for that time I got to hold him.  Beckham was rushed away from me after about a minute of holding him.  Brayson I got to hold for about 5 minutes and they were so wonderful. 
The hospital stay was so nice and relaxing.  My nurses were so sweet.  I have a nurse that I always think of and I honestly have a true love for her.  She's seen me at my worst and made me feel amazing still.  She is like a sweet grandma who holds you when you need it, rubs your shoulders when they hurt and does things for you that you don't even want to think about (hehe).  Nurse Sandy will always have a special place in my heart.
The first time I got to see Beckham after, he wasn't really interested in Brayson... how is he supposed to know that that little bundle of baby is going to be his best friend and partner-in-crime?  Holding him and Brayson at the same time was one of the best moments in my life.  Have you ever just felt content?  Like everything in the world is okay?  The man I love so incredibly much was standing at the edge of the bed, my boys were in my arms and I think the only word that comes close to explaining how I feel is "complete".
Coming home was so much easier than I expected.  Beckham went home with his Grandma Johnson for the night, Brayson woke up only once that night (and never more than twice on the nights following), and even when Beckham came home it was easier than anyone would imagine.  I think Heavenly Father knew how scared I was, but how I had faith he would help me.  My sweet friend Krissie told me that if I try my best to be the best mom I can be, Heavenly Father will do the rest.  I really believe that. 
Here we are, five months later, and life is just wonderful.  Sure, we have our times that both boys are screaming, I have a messy house and I'm about to break down, but those times don't really stand out to me.  Here are things that stand out.  Snuggling with them at night, feeding them their bottles.  Beckham kissing Brayson and trying to give him his binky.  Brayson laughing at Beckham splashing in the tub. 
Life. Is. Wonderful. 

2012

Tonight I hold my sweet Brayson thinking back on my year. So much has happened, is a little overwhelming and very emotional. We are so blessed to have our little boys. They are absolute Angels sent from heaven to me and my sweet husband. Three years ago I would never have imagined life would be this amazing. I'm so in love with the man of my dreams. I hold my babies and get kisses and giggles daily. This year my goals are different from what they have been in the past. First, I want to be a good wife to my husband. He deserves the best in this world and I know I can give it to him. I want to over use I love you. I don't ever want a day to go by where he doesn't know how special he is to me. I want to be super mom. I want to figure out fun things to do with Beckham and Brayson. I want to learn how to go out of the house without stressing about little things. I want to sing or read to them every night before bed. I want to be healthier so I can do all of these things for my family. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for me and my family. 

Lessons

Although I'm not quite sure how to write all of my words down, I do know they need to be written. 
Today a little neighbor boy came to my family in tears.  The look on his face showed that his world had been ripped apart. This sweet, innocent little ten year old had just found his mother in her bed who had passed away in her sleep.
I learned a few things through this horrible event. First, be kind to everyone.  This little boy came to my mom for comfort because of how she made him feel. She has a way of making you feel like you are the most important person in the world and every word that you say is like gold.
Don't ever take life for granted.  Listen to others.  Comfort others. 

I'm so thankful for my Mom.  She's amazing.

My dear Baby Jax

It's almost time to go to the hospital and I think I got maybe an hour of sleep.  All I could think about was the fact that I can hold you finally today.
Your dad gave me a beautiful blessing last night. Among many things I was told that you are my little blessing sent straight from Heavenly Father.  You we chosen as mine to take care of, love and cherish. I promise you I will always do just that.
We're scheduled for a 9am c section and it's 6:15 now so I better get out of bed and finish getting ready!
I love you so much. Time to start our adventure!
Mom

Please tell me... Who doesn't love baby bums?

He runs away when I change his diaper so I'm keeping this for black mail someday! Love you Beckham :)
We got new phones yesterday (spontaneously) and I love mine!  The Galaxy Note 2 came out a few days ago and we're one of the first owners. I have to say I love this phone! I feel a little funny talking on it because I'm holding a huge tablet to my ear but don't judge!
6 more days until baby Jax is here.  I have to say now I'm coming to the end of what could be my last pregnancy I'm a little sad.  I don't really remember not having a baby moving around inside me,  I've been expecting for almost a tenth of my life for heavens sake.  I love the feeling when the baby moves. A swift kick to my ribs or bladder is even funny after the pain fades... lol. I'll miss not having to ever suck in my tummy at the pool. It is a neat feeling having my baby be a part of me rather than an extension of me.  I am not ready for this to end,  but on the other hand I am sooo ready to be able to hold my son. 
I'm excited to see how Beckham handles having a baby brother.  Of course he doesn't understand but I'm sure he will love him nonetheless. 
As always, we're loving or life here with our little family!

9 Days Left

It's been a long time since I've blogged, but not a whole lot has gone on.  We've been focusing a lot on eachother and Beckham before Jax gets here and it gets a little chaotic :)
I'm excited to be a mom of two boys.  I've had a lot of anxiety up until this past week.  I think that no matter what, I'll get through it and when it comes right down to it I am the luckiest girl in the world.  I've got a wonderful husband who loves me (yes, we still have movie nights and cuddle!) and two little guys who are all mine! 
Beckham has started pulling himself up lately and walking along the couch a little.  I can't believe he is almost one... it's crazy how fast time goes.  I remember my parents telling me that when I had kids someday time would fly by.  I think I just rolled my eyes at them but how true it is. 
Jax is so ready to come out.  He kicks me all the time trying to get out, I have constant contractions and my back is killing me!  If he's not ready, he better get ready quick cause  I am ready! 
It's funny, I've never had cravings but I cannot get enough walnuts.  YES walnuts!  I eat probably a little package a day (ok... not so little, but not one of the huge ones). 
I'm excited to see my family!  Mom and Trinity are getting here on the fifth and the boys on the tenth. The ninth is Jared's birthday (yay!) and the fourteenth is Beckham's first birthday and my baby brother heads to the MTC for his mission!  I'm so proud of him! 
Again, how blessed am I?  I am THE luckiest. 
<3

Love my hubby!

On Pinterest yesterday (yes, I'm addicted) I found a 30 day marriage challenge!  I love this idea... why can't I try to be a better wife to Jaredevery day?
Day 1 was supposed ask him if there was anything I could help him with that day.  ShaZAM I did it and he said he didn't have anything for me to do... so I cleaned the house while he was on a bike ride.  He noticed :) 
Day 2 (today) is to go a whole day without correcting him.  I think I'm a little hard to be married to sometimes becuase I don't even realize it when i correct him until after I've done it, and most of the time it's little things that don't matter!  How annoying is that?  He doesn't say anything to me, but I find that I'm kicking myself for it every time.  Today I will NOT correct my husband and I'll continue to do my best to not do that. 
P.S. if you talk to Jared and you're reading this PLEASE do not tell him about my little challenge, that would completely defeat the purpose.
Beckham and Jared went out this afternoon so that I could do some homework.  The alone time was nice but the best part was seeing them all happy when they got home.  They love their daddy/son time! 
Brayson has been keeping me up at night with his constant kicking, hiccuping and moving (don't worry buddy, you'll be out of that little space soon!).  It's fun being pregnant, but sometimes it stinks.  Like when your feet and hands get swollen, streach marks, when you're sweating and everyone else is comfortable and just being the size of a whale in general kind of stinks.  I can't wait to have my little Brayson, not have a belly and be able to buy normal clothes!  I have gained a serious amount of poundage over the last two babies and I think I'll be a far cry from ever being 125 again (my pre-Beckham weight) but I think I'll be able to bounce back to a happy weight in a few years months... hopefully.  :)
It looks like our C-Section date is Monday, November 5, but we're going to try and get it moved to November 3 because Jared has school on Tuesday and I know he will not want to leave our little family for the first few days... he's definitely attached to our little boys.  How lucky they are to have such a great daddy!